How many times do you hear people say … “just move on” or “let it go”. It’s easy to say but can feel impossible to do.
One of the things I have learned very clearly over the years I have been working with people after their separation or divorce, is that suffering is often less about the loss of their partner than about a myriad of other adjustments which accompany the loss.
Often in fact the love has died or been destroyed but attachment remains.
What do I mean by attachment? Let me explain …
When you start out in a new relationship each of you is curious about the other. Over time as you discover more, you create a vision of the person based on what they say, how they act and more importantly how you feel when you are with them. When being together makes you feel great, you become ‘addicted’ to the ‘high’ and want to feel that way all the time. We call this being ‘in love’.
As the two of you spend more time together, you become a bigger part of each other’s lives, introducing friends and family and consolidating your relationship in many different ways. You start to consciously plan things together and over time parts of your individual life give way to ‘together life’. Time passes and you become more attached to each other. In many cases, this person becomes the centre of your world as you begin to make commitments for a future together. Your conversations create a set of expectations and a ‘shared dream’ of how your lives will look in years to come. This shared dream and the expectations which accompany it become the foundation for your life. You live each moment with the future you have planned firmly in view. You check back in with your dream on a regular basis to ensure you are still on track. Every decision is made together and compared with the plan for your life ahead.
As you are individuals, with your own way of understanding the world, each of you builds up a vision of what that life looks like and how you will contribute to creating it in reality. You set up roles within this life that each of you will fulfil. Perhaps you agree to work for a few years and then start a family at which point you will work part-time or become a stay at home parent whilst your partner will continue to work full time to provide the bulk of financial support. Or perhaps you save for a time with a view to owning your own home. These are the roles you assign to yourselves and to each other, almost like making a contract between the two of you.
Everything you know about your life is tied up with the person you have shared it with and you have lost the memory of who you are without it.
So, one day when your relationship ends, you feel your whole life has ended with it. Suddenly its just you and that doesn’t seem nearly enough. Without the two of you, everything you dreamed and planned for, seems to have walked out the door. And because your partner represents everything you understand about your life, your thoughts often focus on the pain of losing them. Or on thoughts of how cruel or unfair they were to you, how they betrayed you or let you down. The entire foundation of your life has been shaken and you feel as if you are falling without a net to catch you.
So when people talk about ‘letting go’ or ‘moving on’ it seems impossible.
However, there are steps you can take which will help you gain a new perspective. We all need a base to live from and gaining clarity about your present will give you the strength to build an unshakable foundation, that will give you the power to build a new you, a new life and a new future.
I am starting a brand new interactive Facebook Group on 30th January 2017 and would love for you to join me.
10 Steps To Reclaim Your Life After Separation & Divorce is a 10 week membership where you receive support from me, as well as from other members, as I take you through the steps to build a new you for a new year.