Personal Relationships

Finding Love Again

Written by Allanah Hunt

Everyone wants to find their special someone, right?

Someone to share your life, who will be with you through thick and thin, who will love you even when you’re not very lovable and who will truly understand you.

But if you found that with someone only to lose them and the future you planned together, what do you do now?

There are plenty of ‘fish in the sea’ but how do you find your perfect catch?

Perhaps you’ve cast your net far and wide only to throw them all back.

Or maybe you’ve yet to dip your toe in the water for fear you might get bitten again.

Finding love again is NOT the same as finding it the first time round …

When we find our ‘perfect match’ the first time around, everything seems to fall into place really easily. There is love all around, you grow together and adapt to each others unique habits and needs. You each take on roles in the relationship that work for the two of you and there are unspoken understandings that develop. These understandings become a part of how you relate to each other.

But these understandings also become a part of you. They set up expectations about what a relationship looks like, how it works and how people behave when they love you. This becomes your new understanding of ‘normal’.

This sets up two distinct scenarios when you look for love again:

  1. You keep choosing the same type of person only to get hurt over and over again
  2. You meet good people but for some reason they just don’t light your fire

Deep in your subconscious mind, there is a set of understandings, expectations and beliefs formed from your previous relationship that set up a pattern of recognition. Despite your desire to find someone who is different from your ex, there is a deeper part of you that is looking for the comfort of the familiar.

And it’s this deeper part of yourself that does the choosing!

Sounds scary huh?

It can be, but now that you know what’s going on, you have the perfect opportunity to free yourself from previous relationships and reset your mind by reconnecting with who you are.

Rediscover Your Passions

What did you used to love to do? Once upon a time there was something that made you smile, something that filled your soul and something that brought you peace. When was the last time you made the time to indulge your passion?

Ask Yourself What’s Important

When we have been with someone a long time we tend to take on many of their ideas, their thoughts and their points of view as our own. Or if not our own, as somehow acceptable or ‘normal’. But what is true for you? What is important to you? What really matters to you?

Write Your Dreams

How would you really like to live? Where would you like to go? What would you want to do? We all have responsibilities but if you could do anything, go anywhere … what would your life look like?  The answers to these questions tell you a lot about yourself and who you are at the deepest level.

Restyle Yourself

Take yourself to the store and play ‘dress up’. Pick clothing you wouldn’t usually choose and try it on. Put on a hat, choose the biggest chunkiest jewellery, the loudest colours … see how you feel when you step outside of your usual choices. You don’t need to buy anything, just have fun! Take some selfies to capture the moment.

Go Somewhere New

Part of rediscovering yourself is stepping outside your comfort zone. You don’t have to terrify yourself but going somewhere new gives you an opportunity to see yourself in a new situation. How do you feel?

Reconnecting with yourself allows you to see yourself with new eyes. As you rediscover the person you are, you will automatically move away from old ideas which may not be your own. Each step you take brings you closer to yourself.

To find love again you must know who is coming to the relationship. You must know yourself.

Then you can meet your perfect match and find love again …

About the author

Allanah Hunt

Allanah Hunt is an author and founder of Power And Freedom where she works to encourage people to reclaim their personal power and create a life of freedom and joy. Your past does not dictate your future unless you allow it to!

“It is only as you take responsibility for your life that you discover just how powerful you truly are” - Allanah Hunt


  • I never considered this, Allanah! I find it fascinating to consider that I would be stuck in a habit of making narrow choices based on the past. Thanks for alerting us to this and giving some options for reconnecting with ourselves.

  • I like this final line – “To find love again you must know who is coming to the relationship. You must know yourself.” So important I have found to really know who you are before you commit to a relationship. There is a much better chance it will work out. Thanks for the interesting post, Allanah!

  • I love this, Allanah. As someone who married for 18 years and has been happily single for 10, I don’t feel the need to find love again. However, I sure hope that one day I will want to. I would like the chance to do it better, healthier this time around. For now, I’m very happily single!

  • “Ask yourself what’s important” really struck a chord Allanah.

    When we learn to ask great questions we’re open to new thoughts and ideas that might just be what we need. Our questions help change our perspective of the world, and color how we see ourselves, our experiences and circumstances in ways that help us to look at life from an entirely different angle.

    So whether the issue is love, or health or money…the questions we ask ourselves really matter. 🙂

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